I say a lot of things, I really just don't mean. No one quite understands, but I'm completely in love with Kevin. There has never been someone I've loved or invested so much into.

Last night, he left me. Telling me he was sick of trying, giving up. He told me we just fight too much and that I no longer make him happy. That he is falling out of love with me.

Typing this is making me cry.

We both together spent hours last night, when he finally did come home... on the bathroom floor crying. Then in the bed, crying. I pretty much puked up all the stomach acid I had left last night to the point of dry heaves and blood.

I'm beyond heart broken, for the first time in my life and I don't want to see him go.

I know I try and make it seem like I wanted this to be over, I really didn't. I just thought if I made it seem like I did, he'd want to fight for me to keep me. I guess I was wrong. He's been thinking about this for awhile now, which really... throws me under a bus.

I really wish I knew what I could do. I really wish I would have done something, anything differently. I love him. I always will love him. I still don't want to be with anyone else.

I'm honestly past being suicidal at this point. Like, I already feel dead. Like I'm done. I'm going back to being a hermit. I'm being forced to move back in with my mother, who has no idea. Where I will most likely never leave my room, again.

I'm going to miss waking up to Kevin in the morning, and kissing him good morning. I'm going to miss him telling me he loves me. I'm going to miss every moment we spend together. I am just finally realizing that I completely fucked up everything. I've never wanted someone as much as I wanted Kevin.

I still hope that, he will change his mind.. at some point and want me back. Being hopeful has so far kicked my ass, but what worse could it do me now. I still want him to be the one I marry and settle down with.

I refuse to even look at another guy again. And I say this now, and everyone who reads it will probably say to themselves, yeah right. But none of you understand how completely broken I am about Kevin. I've never been heart broken in my life. And he did it.

People are telling me we should of broken up sooner, that I don't get it... that I can't blame myself or tell myself there's nothing worth living for anymore. But see, you really just don't get it. I've done everything I wanted up to this point, mostly. I've lived all over, I met a lot of people, I led a life. All the places I want to be, I've disowned myself from. I'm not longer wanted.

I just want to be here, in bed with Kevin... I can't even explain it to sound rational enough... but I've never felt so happy in my life. I've never felt so alive. I've never felt like I meant a shit to someone like him. I've never felt like my life really honestly mattered until him. No one has done for me, what he has. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose him.

So you can all tell me I'm crazy, I know I am. Quite obviously if you even read this, you're aware enough. But I love Kevin and that's it. There is nothing in my life that means a fuck to me besides him anymore. 

My family doesn't give two shits about me, most of my friends abandoned me, all the places I ever loved don't welcome me back, all the things I ever dreamed of for myself... are with Kevin.

I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself, so relax. If I was honestly going to do it, I wouldn't post it like this. But I will say I almost did, but the thought of Kevin showing up last night finally just to see me lying there dead... killed me even more than I already hurt.

I really don't want this to be true. I went to bed last night and woke up and thought it was just a dream. But unfortunately, it wasn't.

So here's to me, going back to my shit life where I was more depressed and more suicidal than I was going into this. Cheers to me becoming a hermit again. The only time you'll hear from me will probably be through this now. I really don't want to see anyone, or do anything.

I really would just fully enjoy curling up in a ball and dying right now. Severely.