I'm very on edge at the moment. I'm so beyond depressed that I kind of want to do everything I would have done years ago, but I'm so unmotivated from moving off this bed that I don't even want to crawl the two feet to my computer.

Kevin has left a few hours ago for a trip to Rochester, not far and not even for that long. He's coming back sometime tomorrow. But he's been acting quite strange and I'm very uneasy over it. He hasn't been loving with me, or holding me, or kissing me like he used to. We even had sex the other night and it just wasn't really the same. We have an amazing sex life and this just didn't cut it. He went straight to work today and didn't even stop to breathe when he came home, he just came and left for Rochester.

I just spent the last few hours curled up in bed bawling my eyes out and thinking about every which thing. I'm afraid he's hiding something. I'm afraid there is someone else. I'm afraid he's having second thoughts about me. I'm afraid he'd rather be happier with someone else. I'm just really unsure of myself.

Although, I'm "sure things are fine and nothing's wrong" but how am I supposed to know really. I mean, I don't really think things are fine. I honestly think somethings wrong. Things aren't the same and even if he were to say they were, I'm not sure if I'd believe him.

Last night I was trying to convince him to stay home because I knew I'd get lonely if he wasn't home, but I honestly didn't think I'd be like this. But instead he would much rather sit on his laptop watching bmx videos, ignoring me for hours. Oh well. 

This girl cat who's had a thing for me for awhile and seems to think I want her like that texted me telling me how much she missed me and whatever. I liked the attention. It's nice to hear that someone misses you, if you want them to or not. And honestly I haven't been feeling affection from Kevin lately, strangely, and I wanted some sort of attention so I continued texting with her. She wanted to come out today and visit me. I told Kevin, because I don't hold secrets. I'm upfront with him. I told him. (Even though he's extremely NOT upfront with me and dare I say this still bugs me, but oh well.)

He asked me if he could trust me and I threw some jokes at him to make him stay and give me attention. But none of this worked. It honestly just sent me into kind of an anger rage that he didn't even notice. I said to him, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I was obviously kidding. I'm not that type of person anymore. And he said it back to me. I was kidding, but he didn't sound so much like he was joking. He said it very stern and didn't say anything to me after it.

I don't really know what's going on. I wish he was more open and would talk to me about things or would tell certain people to fuck off. But he won't. Like, I'm trying so hard with him to figure out what's going on in his head and to have him let me in a little and stop being so private about everything and I just feel like it's impossible. When I'm with someone, I don't like to hide things. If I start hiding things, there's a reason for it. But he isn't open, he keeps things all hush hush and isn't upfront about a lot of things I feel like he should be.

Example. He shit talked Sarah, the girl he was with before me. About how she fucked him over etc etc. But I didn't know until I dug around that he messaged her AFTER we had been dating and calling her hun. NO NOT COOL. Have I said anything to him about it? No. I know what would happen if I did. He wouldn't think there was anything wrong with it and would tell me that I was being mad over something stupid. Oh the fuck well.

I'm just.. all nerves and on edge. I'm sweating horribly and all I'm wearing is a t-shirt and underwear. I want to swallow my bottles of Zoloft and Paxil right now and just kind of wither away. I won't, but I do have the urge to. I'm so upset and hurt and nervous.

Like I really just want answers, even though I won't get them. I want to know why he's being weird. I want to know why he wouldn't just tell me to go. Or why he didn't tell me he'd miss me. Or why he didn't insist on just hanging around for a little while longer to hold me while he say how sad I was? Or why I told him that I was crying hours ago and he hasn't even said anything back to me. Or what he's really thinking right now? I don't even know.

I'm extremely depressed and it doesn't help that all my "friends" are M.I.A. as always. None of my local friends ever really help me out. I always need someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay and kind of cuddle me to sleep or keep my mind off things. But is anyone there, no. I miss the friends who used to be there for me and would do that for me. Even if they thought it was my fault I was miserable. They would still comfort me.

I need people in my life that know how to deal with me, because no one seems how to. No matter what I get upset when someone "tries to help", but goes the wrong way about it with me. I don't react to "get over it" or "stick up for yourself" or "stop bitching" etc. I need comforting. I need someone who's going to rub my back and put me on their shoulder and let me ball my eyes out and let me cry out all my problems and tell me they'll be there for me and love me and won't judge me for it.

Those friends, are so far and few between. I've only met 2? maybe of them and both of them are miles and miles from me. I'm so upset and I just feel like dying tonight. I'm all alone and this is exactly what I'm not supposed to be. Me being alone is trouble and I'm going to feel like this until someone comes over and makes things better :( Ugh. Fuck. 

Here's to another shitty depressed bulletin.