So, I'm going to be changing some things. I'm beyond nervous and it almost makes me sick to my stomach because I've kind of been stuck in this rut of saying I'm going to do things and never do.

But I'm going to attempt to make an appointment to get put on anxiety medication, finally. I realized that I can't depend on the people who told me they were going to help me get through this and help me get better, so I have to do it myself.

Kevin wants me to get a job, working is impossible until I can get some sort of relief for my anxiety. He wants me to work at the mill with him and I'm really nervous about doing so. But I know that it will financially benefit us both and it will hopefully make things easier on us both.

He wants me to continue going to college and I really really don't want to and honestly making any extra money on a diploma from OCC means nothing to me. I don't really see that as a benefit in anyway because of what I want out of life and everyone thinks I'm an idiot. But I don't want to live my life like everyone else. I want to be a mother and a wife. I want to cook for a living. I want at home businesses like I legitly used to do and be successful at.

I don't want some factory job or some desk job. I'll take what I can get for now, but I won't feel any better about myself for working a real job.