i'm coming to terms with the fact that, i really am the reason i'm unhappy.
i make decision on a whim or last minute or without thinking them through.
that's my fault.

i'm unsatisfied.
i'm living in the middle of no where, away from anyone that i was close with.
in a state, that i still.. despise.

i'm trying to communicate with someone who i know wants nothing to do with me,
and even though i'm shitty for trying. i can't let it go.

kevin and i are fine, but i'm nervous.
i'm the queen at fucking stuff up.
and i say a lot of things i shouldn't and i just feel like i'm going to push him off.
kevin really has been the best boyfriend i've had,
despite a few things that still bother me,
or just am finding out about.
i'm naturally paranoid and worrisome.
and i feel like the fact, he isn't at all..
is what might really fuck something up.
he can't relate to how i feel.
he doesn't even understand my anxiety.
and i know a lot of people can't.

but ...
i think it's not to hard to grasp that.
i'm paranoid and worry and nervous.
being in public, around people,
especially in place i don't know or with people i don't know..
i get EXETREMELY anxious.
i get uncomfortable.
i feel like the world is going to fall on my head.
yes, i know i'm not going to die over it.
but believe me, my body makes me feel like that's not true.
leaving the house, is a hassle.
not to mention there's nothing really worth leaving for.
i have no real job, no real friends here.. minus phil but yeah.

like, it's just really tough on me right now and i just miss pennsylvania.
even indianapolis.
i miss having friends.
i miss waking up happy.
i miss having a reason to get out of the bed in the morning.

i miss loving life.