nevermind.

I'm in such a shitty mood.

Last night/This morning, I spent crying and crying and crying.

One, I shouldn't have to cry. I shouldn't... have to feel like everything is out of control. I shouldn't have to put myself in a panic.

Two, I obviously have a problem, if I freak out because my boyfriend goes out with a friend... and doesn't talk to me for a lengthy period of time and doesn't come home until 13 hours later and all I can do is stay up and not sleep or eat or drink or function and just cry.

Three, How could you really go out for 13 hours and just ... not talk to me for 12? of them.

I'm just in a really bad mood and I'm very pessimistic right now and I'm trying to put it past us. I'm trying to pretend I'm not still bothered by it. There isn't anything more we can do to resolve this. 

You came home and tried to be all cute and I just sat there, crying. Tell you that you're lucky I like you or else I'd probably knock you out. How upset I am. How dare you.

Although, I'm more than certain you have no idea how shitty you made me feel because of this and I will try to explain it. I will ask you if you understand, you try and say you do... and how shitty you feel now knowing... I don't know if you really do.

I guess I kind of realized something tonight, today. A woman's love for a man is far more different than a man's love for a woman. A woman will tell a man she loves him because everything about him makes her infatuated. Flaws and perfections, are all the same. Your intelligence, your walk, you lips, your eyes, your walk, your shape, your hands, the way you hold me, your caress, how you can put a smile on my face and detonate me like a bomb. How you manage to calm me even when you're the one I'm angry with. How I can't seem to work myself up to scream at you when you're the one i'm mad with. How when you hug me or kiss me before work makes me realize how and why I fell in love with you. How you can hold me after not seeing you for awhile and being in the worst mood, you make it feel like I have hope. You send shivers down my spine and send butterflies to my stomach. Even after now. How kissing you makes me feel so much better than I felt before. How despite my hate for everyone, I don't know how to be intentionally shitty to you. How I can't and don't want to ever be the one that hurts you. I fantasize about us growing old and not just me and some person. But you and I. When you talk about your dreams or what your plans are for the future, when you put me in them I am the happiest girl in the world. Even if maybe you don't want me in them. Because you're so uncertain of what you really want in the long run.

I really can't even fully explain it. That's not even the beginning of it.

But I really don't think you love me, quite like I love you. And I'm willing to take it for what it is. You tell me not to rush you, I understand. I'm really not trying to. I'm just very persistent person. I'm eager and I'm anxious. And i'm pretty sure I'm falling apart at the seams.

I'm just not sure how well I can handle not knowing where this road will lead me.