kevin and i were forced into a large talk with phil to accompany us and help us and dare i say, was not easy on me. i tried, about 10 individual times last night and i'm still on verge of tears because i'm still hurting.
but phil and i were messaging today and he told me i need to get a job. and i really just wanted to post the really long letter i sent him because one i didn't realize just how long it was until i looked and two because i feel like people having some insite on how i think, might be helpful and i need to just get it out. so here we go:
we never got to talk about this part. you and i. as to why i don't work and haven't worked since jan of last year.
although you might not totally grasp what i'm about to ramble on, maybe you will... who knows.
you know as well as i do that there really aren't many jobs in this area or much of new york right now based on the economy. although that's not the big issue, that really does set me back. there are no jobs local unless i worked at the mill and.. i refuse to work there for more than a few reasons.
the biggest factor as to why i don't work, haven't worked and have began to refuse to look for work is not so much anxiety even though dare i say i feel like that is a big deal in it's own... it's a stress thing.
not sure if you've noticed, but i don't handle stress. i've been to therapy for a long time and i still can't handle my stress. i get overwhelmed and worked up very easily over little things or even nothing. when stress comes into effect, i break up. i can't function. i start failing even when i put forth the effort.
right now, i have a lot on the line and despite how it may seem.. i'm overwhelmed as it is. although i know it doesn't seem like much, going back to college online or not is beyond stressful. i'm not going for me, i'm going for my mother.. i'm going for kevin.. i'm going for my family... i'm going for my friends. this has nothing to do with me and although you can take that for what it is, college isn't what i want for myself. yes, i understand college is a big deal and going to college is a good thing. but it's not what i want for myself, never really was. but i'm going for my mother, mainly. i'm forced into it.
i'm forced to attempt and i'm forced to succeed and that is beyond overwhelming. if i fuck this up, it's done. it's over. i am forced to call quits.
i worked back in 07 while going to college and let's just leave it as it didn't go well. i began to lose focus. i couldn't function and waking up every morning became a burden. and i was forced to drop out, and didn't tell my mother and eventually quit an amazing job that i was lucky to get in the first place and kind of drift.
when i get stressed, i get ill. beyond imaginable for you possibly. i can't function, i can't sleep and when i do, i can't wake. i've been hospitalized in the pasts for it and have gotten very sick.
although this probably just seems like i'm making an excuse, maybe it is. but i'm really just want you to understand where i am coming from.. excuse or not.
i've talked to kevin about it and from what i grasp maybe he understands it?
i don't plan to never work again, but i plan to not go about it like everyone else.
i want certain things out of life. i want to settle down. i want a small home with a husband for my future, maybe a kid. i want to be a house wife who works from home. an online business maybe or just a business out of the house.
i don't want a big career, i don't want a factory job, i don't want to be a cashier, or a delivery driver. there are things i know i will have to do to further myself as a person financially and through life and i understand "shit" jobs or jobs in general are a part of that.
but i'm also the type of person who doesn't just settle for something because i have to.
i don't know i really just rambled but i felt like i need to say that because, i'm overwhelmed and i want you to understand why? i guess.
but, i'm going to finish my english assignments. and i will talk to you later.
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